Children hold students' grades hostage

AU was taken by surprise yesterday, when five yellow school busses full of grade school students wearing face paint and ninja costumes took over the campus.
Armed with smart phones and full access to the academic transcripts of every Alfred student, the surprisingly efficient children sectioned off one building at a time. They assured us that our grades would not be harmed as long as we all sat on the floor quietly and raised our hands before we spoke.
A pair of first graders guarded my group. Periodically they waived their smart phones at us, flaunting their access to banner web.
Intending to inquire about their demands, I raised my hand, but the group I was sitting in told me not to be a hero. One of the captors grinned at me, “One word out of you and you’re dropping a gen ed.”
The leader of the operation, whom the others called Kenny, chose Nevins Theater in Powel as his headquarters. He issued commands via tweets and status updates.
According to Kenny’s wall post, the original dispute grew out of a cafeteria incident during which he was not permitted to buy a “nutty buddy” because of the new healthy lunch program at his school. For those of you unfamiliar with the frosty treat; it’s an ice cream cone dipped in chocolate and rolled in nuts.
He argued in his post that since he had already eaten his healthy lunch, he now wanted his unhealthy dessert. Classmates began to “like” his post on a large scale. Eventually children from every elementary school in the county had shown their support.
One little girl commented that she “misses Taco Tuesdays,” while another “doesn’t like having salad all the time.” Eventually Kenny divulged that his “friend’s older brother goes to college and that he can eat anything he wants.” That is when the children decided to take over AU to steal our snacks.
After several hours of binging on sugar and fried everything, the children had devoured the university’s supply of junk food and as a result, they were wearing down quickly. Nothing works like a sugar crash to expedite a truce between two hostile parties.
There were kid’s strewn about everywhere; curled up on chairs and tucked in corners, asleep. Parents were called, children were removed and order was restored.
Kenny’s parents are refusing to comment, but his older sister Veronica was candid with the press;”All he wanted was his dessert, not a hostile takeover,” she said. “It seems pretty silly in hindsight, don’t you think?”
I have to agree with Veronica. While it is important to keep kids healthy and establish firm boundaries on their intake of junk food, it is also important to note that childhood is supposed to be kind of sweet sometimes. If we take eating like a kid completely out of the equation, we are likely to have another uprising.