Making headway with hardcore fears.

On my list of fears, encountering public displays of sexuality is one of the most intimidating. Sure, I’ve been to bachelorette parties and played along with all of the fun and naughty games, but I’ve never really been comfortable with the exposure. So for this issue, I decided to work out my fear of porn.

By a stroke of luck, I learned of a recent controversy at Northwestern University. For those who aren’t familiar with the story, Professor John Michael Bailey of the popular “Human Sexuality” course at Northwestern allowed a live demonstration of how to use a sex-toy after his class, and now a lot of people are upset about it. I won’t argue for or against the incident’s educational value, but it did make me wonder how I would feel about such a display of sexuality. What better place to go to find out than an adult entertainment store?

Ironically, I’ve never felt as exposed as I did upon entering the building with blacked-out windows. The series of XXX’s stuck to the glass were of even less comfort. Inside the store, a vast array of phallic shapes and unlikely colors arose like hellish spires all about me.

FYI, a porn store is no place to practice what you learned from “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Don’t smile, make eye contact, shake hands or attempt to memorize the names of your fellow patrons. They don’t like it, trust me. Ok, I didn’t actually try to shake hands with anyone, but the advice is solid. Also, if you really must ask what something is, try not to look surprised when they tell you. Once you start blushing, it’s almost impossible to stop.

I hid behind the island of bawdy birthday cards and surveyed the rest of the store. I felt a little safer from that vantage point. Unfortunately, this approach gave me the shifty, nervous appearance of someone who might be stealing. So I was under observation for the rest of my visit and was thus shamed into buying a video that my fiancé now has no interest in other than to play when we have visitors. He's quirky that way.

Everyone has a different tolerance level for sexual content. After taking a poll of several classmates, I discovered that I am not alone in my trepidation on the subject. Asking people how they feel about pornography is probably not the most effective way to make new friends. But once the initial “What do you want from me?” reaction dissipated, I found that most of the people I spoke to were neither for nor against it. It’s just something that people don’t generally talk about.

In the past, when I’ve thought about adult entertainment, I would immediately try to shake the image of Ron Jeremy out of my head… He could make moving furniture seem dirty. Now I think of it more as a personal freedom that we’re lucky to have than something to be ashamed of. Historically, some of our most beloved artwork has been called pornographic, which just goes to show that opinions vary on what is beautiful, artistic and educational.

I probably won’t be applying for a preferred customer card at a porn retailer any time soon, but I think the humiliation has done me good, if only for making a better sport out of me. Maybe someday I’ll help the industry write a scene where the female lead gets to eat her pizza while it’s hot, though for now I’ll stick to more simple challenges.