The silence of the lobster

After surviving my latest challenge of spending two weeks as a vegetarian, I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate being an omnivore again than by diving into a plate of piping-hot lobster claws.

Now, in order for this to be an official fear-conquering, I couldn’t just place an order at Red Lobster (not that we have one of those), I had to prepare it myself. This meant that I would have to embrace my inner savage and kill a lobster.

I’ve passed the lobster tank at Wegmans on numerous occasions and never felt any particular concern for their well being, but it’s different when you’re shopping for your dinner. I stood beside the sad, watery cell, cloaked in my own guilt as I chose my victim.

Briefly I imagined myself buying the lobster, driving it to the nearest source of saltwater and releasing it back into the wild, however, at $9.99/lb, I think not.

I don’t relish the idea of killing anything, but lobster is hardly the most innocent of our delicacies. According to main-lobster.com, they are known to eat sea plants, oysters, crabs, snails, fish and even other lobsters from time to time. The guilt of eating a cannibalistic crustacean is considerably less oppressive than that of eating a baby grass-eater, like a calf or a lamb.

In order to spare the little invertebrate any unnecessary discomfort, I did some research on humane methods of preparation.

By far the most disturbing of "youtube’s" tutorial videos are those in which a large knife is driven, point first, through the brain of the lobster and is followed by the blade, bisecting the head. Believe it or not, this is said to be the more humane method, but that’s a tough sell.

I chose the more popular approach of submerging the lobster in a pot of boiling salt water. It seemed a little passive aggressive in comparison with the stabbing, but it’s significantly less intense for the chef.

I revel in most socially acceptable opportunities to eat with my fingers and lobster is my new favorite. An experienced lobster enthusiast will have a system of dissection and eating, but I am not one of those and have discovered that even a dead lobster can cut you if you’re not paying attention.

I spent ages trying to work out what to do with the tail. In the end, almost out of frustration, I ripped it off with a twist of the wrist and discovered the beauty in the simplicity. The claws came off in much the same fashion and with a pair of nutcrackers, I crushed the shell and slipped the meat out with a fondue fork. It was so sweet and tender that it never occurred to me to use the melted butter.

Overall my lobster experience was a pleasant one.

If nothing else, getting my hands dirty changed the way I feel about a precooked meal. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much if I had not personally experienced the process. I felt it move, looked into its beady, little eyes and watched it turn bright red in the pot. There’s no turning back at that point and honestly, I’m glad that I didn’t.